new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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