I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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