I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
