So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
So squirting runs in the family.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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