My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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