I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
