You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
