Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
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my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
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Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.