whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door