hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol