he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
