lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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