Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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