please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
