Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I want to have your abortion
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
