I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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