I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
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Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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