i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
