You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Shame - the story of my life.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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