Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
