It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
