I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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