I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
