Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
