If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
