Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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