woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
