quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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