the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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