I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
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I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
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Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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