I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
