i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize