Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
