my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We need a shit load of segways right now
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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