you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
