Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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