I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
