So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
