Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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