the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
