I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
