Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
