I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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