I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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