Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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