I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
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Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
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He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.