I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
