96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
