I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
