What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
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You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
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Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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