This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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