I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
