she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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