omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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