I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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