People in love make me want to vomit
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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