halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
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